


This Looked Simpler in that Porno

by Goodluckdetective (scorpiontales)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Humor, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 19:53:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7120144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiontales/pseuds/Goodluckdetective
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First times are always awkward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Here was the thing Wash had learned about sexual encounters over the years: the first time was always awkward. 

 

This was the thing Wash should have expected but decided to ignore until it came down to the both of them staring at each other without their pants: the first time with Tucker was going to be just as awkward as all the rest, built up sexual tension be dammed. 

 

"So, this is my dick," Tucker started. Five seconds ago, Wash was praying for someone to say something. Now, he would much rather go back to the awkward silence.

 

It was going so well at first too, Wash thought, thinking back to five minutes ago. Ripping of helmets. Tongue. A hickey on his neck that would be something to hide for at least a week. Hands in hair, romantic stuff, he’d never admit to thinking about in his smuttier dreams. Until they’d taken a step back to take off all the armor and clothing that went with it, Wash had been so sure he might be able to skip the awkward phase for once. The “ah yes, here we are, stark naked, so should you move first or should I, good talk” discussion.

 

It looked he was going to have no such luck. 

 

"Tucker-"

 

“Look, I thought we should just get that out of the way, make it less awkward.” Tucker spoke fast. Wash clearly wasn’t the only one who wanted to get this part out of the way. “Does it live up to the hype?"

 

“What?”

 

Tucker point downwards to what looked like a painful erection. Wash would have to do something about that. There were a multitude of approaches. None of which should be thought of in such a clinical tone using the word “multitude.”

 

"There was hype?"

 

"Ouch man. Ouch.....uh…” The pause was almost physically painful. So did you get those scars in Freelancer or-"

 

And there was a route Wash didn’t want to go. Past talk was worse than pre-first time talk. "Is this how you treat all your hookups? By asking them invasive questions?"

 

“Only the ones who want me to.”

 

And there was a route Wash did not want to go.

 

Wash looked at Tucker. There was an easy solution to this he reasoned. Someone just had to act. Make the first move and sort of barrel through the awkwardness, like Caboose did to any object in his way. And oh, God, Caboose was not the route he should have gone on this train of thought, he hated his brain, hated it-

 

“So,” Tucker said, and he seemed to be deflating a bit. “Was that a mood killer, cus if it was, it’s a little drafty in here, and like, I could put on pants-”

 

Wash snapped himself out of his trance. He was overthinking this. Way overthinking this. This was Tucker. Tucker who made fun of him when he was being too uptight, Tucker who made him laugh for the first time in years, Tucker who complained about his chafing nipples during laps and-

 

Wait.

 

Nipples.

 

He was an idiot.

 

“Wash? You got a look on your face. Is it like a sexy look or a murder look, cus I need to know if my pants and- _ oh shit _ ”   
  


Wash was right.

 

Nipples were the right call.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cut snippets bonus material, ect.

"....so freckles. They're not just a face thing."

 

"Did you think they were?"

 

"Well, it was just a theory-”

 

"You had a theory?!"

 

"Well, it's just Donut had freckles all over his face and then well...all over too, and I figured since you had freckles all over your face-"

 

" _ That is your argument! _ "

 

"It was 50/50. Simmons doesn't have any past his shoulders according to Grif and-"

  
  
"Wait, why have you see Donut naked?"

 

"Dude, my hand is on your dick, and that is your question? I am clearly not doing this right-"

 

"No, you're doing-  _ holy shit _ "

* * *

 

 

"How long has it been, anyway?"

 

"Does it matter?”

 

"I need to know how rusty you are."

 

"It's sex Tucker, not a sport.”

 

"I don't know about that. There's flexibility involved. Speaking of which, can you touch your toes.

Not because it's gonna come in handy, but because the spank bank needs material and-"

 

“ _ Tucker.” _

* * *

 

 

"...why are all your condoms colored blue?"

 

"Oh. Shit, you're right. The ones they had in the canyon were always blue. It sort of became a habit to buy blue ones."

 

"They had condoms in the canyon?"

 

"Yeah, man. A whole basket."

 

"....”

 

"What?"

 

"I'm suddenly wondering about my former employers.”

 

"....You think they had a voyeurism kink?"

 

"Oh God, never speak of this to Carolina ever, trust me."

* * *

 

 

"Where did you learn that mouth thing-"

 

"I know a lot of mouth things.’

 

"That thing...with the tongue.....and the teeth-"

 

"Oh that! Well, when I was in the canyon, I took a trip over to Red base and-"

 

"Oh God do not finish that sentence, I've decided I do not want to know."

* * *

 

“Wow.”

 

“...”

 

“Like, man, holy shit, I was kidding about the flexibility thing and-”

 

“....”

 

“Wash?”

 

“I think I pulled something.”

 

* * *

 

  
  


“So...you pulled you shoulder.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Ah shit man, I’m sorry, I should have never suggested that without trying something simpler first, and now I fucked it all up-”

 

“You didn’t fuck it up Tucker.”

 

“What?”

 

“You didn’t fuck it up. It was fine. Great actually. Pulled shoulder aside.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

“...it was great? Gonna put that on my Personal Yelp review?”

 

“ _ Tucker _ .”

 

“How about, “thoroughly satisfied”. Or “banged like a screen door in a hurricane.” Or-”

 

“You know what? I change my mind. It was terrible, zero stars.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't used the Yelp joke in my life, what are you talking about.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, yeah, shame me all you want, there needs to be more accurate smut on here man, i demand all the awkwardness.


End file.
